The Style Invitational - Week 4.

This week, a gripe-fest about modernity and other irritations. Complete this sentence:

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we ... "

1. Get him to leave the seat down.

2. Prevent unwanted ear-hair growth.

3. Put a woman on the moon.

4. Brown a chicken in a microwave.

Got it? Entries will be judged, as always, on humor and originality. First-prize winner will get a toaster, a neat old one that looks like it came from Alice Kramden's kitchen (a value of about $60). Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt just as soon as we finish designing them. Send your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 4, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, April 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in two weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 2: A New Motto for Maryland.

Here we were at the famed Style Invitational executive treehouse, fussing and fretting because your entries for a new Maryland state motto were so smart there seemed to be no pathetic boneheads out there to make fun of this week. But then, just as we were about to go to press without a trace of the infantile, snide attitude you have come to demand of us, the Maryland General Assembly came through big time. They decided to confront the embarrassing issue of Maryland's chauvinistic state motto (Fatti Maschii, Parole Femine - Manly Deeds, Womanly Words) not by rewriting it, as we asked you to do, but by re- translating it. (Strong Deeds, Gentle Words.) This is like finding a cure for cancer by changing its name to "mumps."

Imagine the possibilities for this kind of bold civic activism: Good news, folks - there are no more homeless people in America! From now on, they shall be called "Residents of the Asphalt Motel."

You showed no such timidity. Your 400-plus submissions fairly throbbed with cynicism. Boy are you guys mean-spirited. You made us so proud, we wept bile.

Without further ado, we present the winners. And to the courageous legislators in Annapolis, we offer this cheerful Latin salute: Ars Infantus, Ars Bandeus ("Run These Babies Up Your Flagpole").

Fifth Runner-Up:

Maryland: Home of Its Residents. Teal Ferguson, Bethesda.

Fourth Runner-Up:

You Have a Problem in Maryland. Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village, Md.

Third Runner-Up:

Maryland: We've Got Wonder Woman in Here. Brendan J. Murray, Silver Spring.

Second Runner-Up:

Maryland: Please Pardon the Inconvenience. Catherine Barrier, Annapolis.

And Winner of the Crustacean-Motif Souvenir Monstrosity:

Maryland: Wait, We Can Explain ... Oslo, Alexandria.

And Honorable Mentions:

Maryland: Birthplace of Garry Moore, Hans Conried, Mona Freeman and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Father-in-Law. Beverly A. Barth, Edmonston, Md.

Maryland: Phonically Incorrect. Stephanie Weldon, Silver Spring.

Maryland: Some of Our Road Signs Do Not Feature Our Governor's Name. Also, Maryland: Home of the Most Baffling Interstate Sign: "North East Next Right." N. Peter Whitehead, Alexandria.

Maryland: It Looks Better in the Dark. Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village.

Maryland: Wider Than It Is Tall. Also, Where the Motto Comes First: Maryland. Oslo, Alexandria.

Maryland: Where the Magnificent Chesapeake Trickles Down to a Stinking Mud Flat. Ian Ories, Arlington.

Dierman, Potomac.

Maryland: YOU Figure It Out. Also, Maryland: Our Rest Stops Feature the Latest in Video Game Technology Christine Eames, Fairfax.

Maryland: Where the Area Code Is Always 301, Unless It's 410. Carol Rodowskas, Silver Spring.

Maryland: Never Been There. Deborah Houy, Boulder, Colo.

Next week: A new monument for Washington.